Work has been good this week, if a bit frustrating waiting for the Organisational Design to get sorted. Was still a bit stressed on Monday re pranging the Merc, and then just before I left work I noticed on my Blackberry that I'd received something from my solicitor. Opened it when I got home while waiting for Shelagh to arrive, which was probably a mistake ! To my horror I discovered that my ex-wife has accumulated a bill of over £11k with her previous solicitor, c. three times what I've paid mine. This completely stressed me out and rather spoiled our evening, although Shelagh was as loving and supportive as ever and it was so nice to have her with me. This was the first time she'd seen me stressed, and I hope it hasn't put her off too much.
Next morning I read the letters again and rang my solicitor, and felt better after that. Looking at the incident, the main thing I am struggling with is that this is money that I worked very hard to save and should be being used for our children's education. I can understand why my ex, in the very raw early weeks of the separation, went to the first lawyer she heard of without checking out the market. I can even get my head round her refusal to change her solicitor last May when I told her that she'd gone with a top-of-the-range guy who usually dealt with much larger estates (she could hardly be expected to regard my advice as objective at that point). What really gets me is :-
1. Why did she opt for a confrontational divorce process at all, and why in such a rush ? We could have waited until we'd both calmed down a bit and then sorted things out between us before involving the legal bods.
2. This is throwing away everything I worked so hard for (I was always the single earner even before we had kids). The last few years at RSA were very tough, and I just clung on and on until such time as I could get an Early Retirement deal. I sustained considerable medical damage during this time included a nervous collapse at the end of 2006. I would never have pushed myself so hard if my wife had been bringing in a wage too (also the tax system severely penalises high-earning single income families, as can be seen in the current farce over Child Benefit). In addition I spent most Saturday mornings carefully managing this money in order to provide for the family's future.
3. Most important of all, getting as stressed as I did on Monday night gets in the way of my wonderful new relationship.
While I realise that I mustn't define myself in terms of money (as a performance junkie this is an easy trap for me to fall into), I do want to retain as much as possible of the fruits of all my hard work for my kids, my Ex, and my new life. I am utterly disgusted with the legal profession - they are totally corrupt parasites who exploit emotionally-vulnerable people for their own gain. When the dust has settled I am going to write about my experiences - there are existing campaigns going on re the corruption in Family Law, and I want to add my full weight to them. If divorce is going to become more and more a fact of life then steps must be taken to stop these leeches sapping money away from hard-working people when in an emotionally raw state.
Spent Tuesday getting over all the above while doing my job - and having a very enjoyable "cosmic" conversation with my colleagues. I am so lucky to be working with such an interesting and supportive bunch. Had a very pleasant bike ride in the evening to bring my adrenaline levels down. There is nothing quite like good exercise in the open air, with pleasant evening views around you, for getting some perspective.
On Wednesday I got my Courtesy Car, which to my great relief has an excellent stereo. I really love it ! The strains of Roky Erikson and the Explosives made me happy again. Primal rock'n'roll music is my way of drawing strength into my spirit, and the demonic intensity of Mr. Erikson took me right out of myself. Several of the performances on the CD I was listening to were recorded in Austin, which I stayed in last October. Austin is the most magical music city in the world after San Francisco.
Lots to process here - given the way the divorce settlement is panning out I'm going to have to face some stressful stuff for a while yet. But the moral is that I can manage my way through this morass, and I've got loads going for me now. I must devise better strategies for dealing with the money stuff and try to be more detached about it. Opening that letter on Monday 10 minutes before Shelagh arrived was not the smartest of moves !
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